Table for...one

Good evening friends!
 I know it's been a while since my last post. But I've been so busy with work that I haven't had time for anything...or anyone for that matter. Which brings me to my topic for the night- being single.
Lately I've been struggling with the concept of being single.  On one, hand it's lonely. You want someone to have brunch with on Sunday and stroll the city, someone to cuddle with, to tell you your pretty, to cook for you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
On the other hand, because I'm single I get to do WHATEVER THE F*CK I WANT, WHENEVER I WANT.  And that is AMAZING. Read that again, go ahead, I'll wait.....YEAH it's AMAZING. Because let's be real, sometimes I'm a little bossy and I like things MY way...come on, aren't all women, a little bit? My clothes, towels, dishes and laundry are in any state of disarray or organization and it's all acceptable, ahhh the joy. And the other thing, did you know how many good shows are on TV in the winter? oh my gawwwwwsh and NO ONE rolls their eyes at me saying "omg really? this is the gayest show", "I am NOT watching this" , "you have ESPN right?", "everyone loves the history channel", "but the bulls are on".  NOPE, I can channel surf the shit out of my tv or watch lifetime movies all day on sunday or WHATEVER ELSE I WANT.
However, there are those times, like during a commercial break from whatever great Bravo reality show you're watching that you realize, "oh shit, i'm 20-something, sitting alone with crumbs of some carb product on my shirt, with NO PROSPECTS watching tv as my eggs are drying up bit by bit and all I have is this GOD FOR SAKEN TV?!?!?!?"Oh. god.  Ughhh, but then the show resumes and I can bask in my artificial bliss for a bit longer.
Another thing I've been grappling with, how to act on a date or when meeting/hanging out with a potential guy. There are so many shows and books these days on what not to do/say/ask on dates.  And some of the stuff, I agree with ie- not talking about your ex on the first date. But more than once I've been reminded and sometimes advised to "tone it down", "he's shy and intimidated by your outgoing personality, "you're just so aggressive, don't be so forward"...well guess what? TOO FREAKING BAD! I have been going around thinking I need to change myself or my approach so that some pansy will feel more comfortable around me and I won't scare him away. Well EARTH to you MR .GET YOUR BALLS OUT OF YOUR ASS, if me asking some questions or cracking some jokes makes you want to shrink into a hole and take cover, well then you have some issues.  Now that I think back, none of my past relationships did I have an "approach" or "tactic", I was being myself and things just fell into place (well, then they fell out of place since I'm not longer with those people but that's not the point).

I looked back into my archives of dates and I remembered a fabulous date, where clearly, this guy was not being himself:

I kissed a...boy and I liked it..and so did he?:

I once went on a date with a guy who was clearly a homosexual. I have no problem with gays/lesbians etc, but I am heterosexual, thus looking for a straight man. It happened to be the first date I went on after ending my 1.5 yr relationship w my ex.  It was quite hilarious actually. Not one of his hairs was out of place, meanwhile I'm sweating from practically jogging to the bar and I've re-arranged my hair 3 times-up, down, pulled to the side etc. We talked about fashion, his failed acting career, his modeling gigs and we giggled. He even tried to kiss my after the date, thankfully I played it cool rather than laughing and did one of those give the cheek-hug routines. Needless to say, I ignored his continued delusional attempts to go on another date, considering I did not grow a penis since the time of our first date.

Anyways, my message here is that it's important to be yourself and accept that-- I know that sounds like the most obvious comment EVER but I really think we all struggle with that- hence guy from above example.  So eventually someone will accept me for me and it'll be all puppies and rainbows till death do us part.  But if all else fails, I still have inanimate objects like my tv to keep my happy!
Ekk gotta run, my next show is on...;)

Toddles, till next time
xoxo

Happy F*ing Valentine's Day

Well congratulations everyone, it's Valentine's Day. (don't worry fellas, if you hurry you might be able to get the shittiest card left at Walgreens before you head home, and no, she doesnt want the Britney Spears fragrance from CVS, it's too late now )

Well as I got to thinking I realized how much this holiday changed overtime. It goes something like this...

Elementary School:

When your little, you have to give everyone a Valentine, you have to buy that ONE extra box of Barbie Valentine cards because Caroline, the girl you totally DESPISE, must receive a card from you (you're definitely going to use your most UGLY handwriting and leave your least favorite sticker and least favorite candy for her card!!!) 

Middle School:

Totally a popularity contest. There really aren't any requirements now, but you're going to basically pee your pants in anticipation of who puts Valentines on your desk (OMG PLLLLEEEASEE the popular girls HAVE to send me one or I'll be crushed!) Inevitably, a group of girls plans to wear the same shirt or lip gloss and those few outcasts who missed the memo are introduced to their first really feelings of inadequacy. This feeling of rejection is only slightly less painful then being the last to hit puberty, need to buy tampons or your first training bra. Poor little middle schoolers. 

High School: 

Oh boy, now things are getting serious. In most schools they dedicate weeks of lunch periods to selling carnations and other sugary concoctions that will be delivered to your homeroom on that fateful morning. All you can do is sit in your desk, sweating, twirling your hair and looking at the ceiling, pretending you don't care if any of those god awful carnations have your name written in the "to" line or not. Not only that but now you may have a boyfriend and/or your friends do.  Now you start to anticipate gifts in your locker because obviously your bff gave your BF your locker combo so that he could romantically decorate your locker before you arrived. In high school you get to feel real JEALOUSLY, it's the first time guys are really showing any real effort that's not forced by their mothers and god damnit, you WILL have a boy do something nice for you!! (now this action is just forced by the girlfriend bc he knows if he screws this day up you're is definitely NOT going to the football game or to prom with him). The gifts themselves suck, come on, he most likely is using his allowance money or borrowed from his parents.  It's going to be a bear or some type of stuffed animal and a cheapy piece of jewelry that will inevitably turn whatever part of your body it touches green. 

College: 

Now it's REALLY serious. Those boyfriends from high school are long gone- pshh, how could you have been soooo DUMB to date them? THIS bf, with HIM, its TRUE love.  there is a much greater chance that this guy could potentially, maybe, have a job ($), and he's learned a thing or two about girls since his high school days.  You both have considered "forever" and this V-day is going to be AMAZING. FYI- I think these college years could be some of the most DISGUSTING valentine's day PDA, you'll ever see, EVER. I vividly remember walking home from class and seeing at least a half dozen couples in a lip lock in the middle of campus. I have to admit, my college bf arranged the sweetest v-day surprise that I've ever experienced, to this day (if you're reading this, you know who you are, way to go!:)  And most likely, if you dont have someone on this holiday in college, you will cry. How freaking convenient that the shmuck dumped you 2 weeks before v-day, couldnt he have waited 14 god damn days to spare you the misery???? I also happened to have had the best "single" vday with my girlfriends one year, cooking dinner, indulging in chocolate fondue while singling Celine Dion's "All by myself" at the top of our lungs. It's obviously not pathetic if you're singing this song in a group.

The Real World:

Oh the real world....so complicated and cruel.  I really think it's a toss up here, some people are legit happy, they have some disgustingly cute plans and both parties have maxed out their credit cards at Victoria's Secret etc, maybe the guy/gal cooked you breakfast, left a flower on your pillow, left you a love note in your lunch-- it's cute okay, and if you tell me about it more than ONCE, I will VOMIT on you.  Other people are sort of, by habit happy, they get the obligatory flowers from their husband or the standard "favorite meal" from the wife.
Then there are the not so happy people, they probably have plans too, but they can't stand eachother, they're hoping the other person doesnt get them anything TOO nice because that will only prolong their inevitable demise for a few more weeks.
For me, as cheesy as it sounds, I think the best type of Valentine's Day is one that makes you feel good- maybe that means being with your bf/gf, with your pet, parents, friends, or maybe it's being alone, with your work computer, doing DATA ANALYSIS, creating pivot tables and eating as much freaking chocolate as you want (only to purge all your cupboards of chocolate and carbs the next day- yeah, SO WHAT???).

So there you have it folks. I hope you had a great V-day, filled with whatever it was you were hoping for--this is not to be confused with VD Day, which would really not be a good day for anyone.

Till next time:) xoxo

Let me teach you a thing or two....

Happy Sunday everyone!

This weekend I learned a few important things after a night out with some girlfriends.

First of all I learned that red lipstick is the answer to many problems...or at least it made me feel about 15 times more fabulous than usual, that was a good way to start my weekend--the hostess at the restaurant told me, the moment I walked in "You are a beautiful" pretty much made my month.
Secondly I learned that I am not alone in having going on dates with douchebags.  Per my friend's approval and request to share via my blog--below are some details she divulged to me about a date that she went on and some of the GOBSMACKING (is this a word? i don't know but it looks good) things that came out of this dbag's mouth:

-after talking about career
*him: oh wow, that's interesting, i figured you'd be a social worker or maybe a nurse. That's what most jewish girls do anyways.
---WHAT? they're both jewish but he feels the need to negatively stereotype jewish women?

-he asks how my friend has found the dating site to be working? any nightmare dates? why hadn't she dated anyone from that site yet? etc

*her: well I mean, i just haven't found anyone i clicked with, they've all been decent people though...etc
[she is trying to change the subject as she'd like to get to know her date rather than discuss failed dates]
*her: (to be polite), what about you? how has the dating site been for you?
*him: ugh awful, i mean, girls post pictures that don't even look like them, they usual end up being 40    lbs fatter than what they say. I generally want to be fb friends first so I can check them out.
*her: ookkay, we aren't fb friends. how did you decide this was an OK date to go on with me?
*him: well i mean, you look pretty skinny in all your pictures on the dating site and I figured you couldn't have gained that much weight from then till now so i gave you the benefit of the doubt.

---EXCUSE ME????ARE YOU F*ING KIDDING ME? SOMEONE ACTUALLY BELIEVES THIS IS OK TO SAY, EVER, LET ALONE ON A DATE????

As I was told this story, my jaw was hanging wide open- stunned. I mean, COME ON?!?! I understand sometimes on a date you're nervous.  Maybe you ramble a little, or accidentally mention your ex or bring up religion or politics briefly--oppsies. But this date was a case of sweet, fabulous girl meets cocky douchebag who, most likely if he continues this charade, will die alone.

*Lesson #1: Anticipate ridiculous statements to come out of your date's mouth, that could be degrading, insulting and/or derogatory.
*Lesson #2: Decide what you'd like to do about it beforehand if a bad situation were to arise. For example, I think learning to artfully toss a drink at you date is a good skill to have, though you should aim for the shirt or pants so we don't damage his eye sight and him take legal action. OR think of your amazing one liner - you are a disgusting pig, eat nails, I hope you step on a lego, you're a pathetic excuse for a man, I feel sorry for your mother--- you get the point. ;)

The third thing that I learned is that apparently I'm intimidating and I make it hard for people to approach me/open up? This was told me me by a guy who I believed was totally uninterested in me.  We were sitting at a table, 2 of my girlfriends were chatting next to us:

*Him: I mean, look at you, you're so serious, not saying anything

-[reality: I was bored. He was saying ZIP. It was 2am.  I mean, I'm very entertaining most hours of the day, but on this last hour, with my system pulsing with Absolute Citron and sodas, I needed some entertainment or a red bull.  How about he try, "oh hey, I haven't seen you in 3 months, what have you been up to? see any good movies lately? how was your NYE? " ETC]

*Me: I mean, you're not saying anything either, I'm just people watching. I can sit like this all day I guess, sorry it makes you uncomfortable.
*Him: Ok...welI I mean, how do I make sure I don't get cut from round #2 then? (Round one refers to the first time we met, he came to my place after any evening out w friends and we hung out for a bit, mainly watching some horrible punk'ed reruns, as he again, said NOTHING TO ME)
*Me: Um? I didn't even know you were interested, I guess if you don't want to be "cut" i need you to speak up, open up a bit, talk to me?!
him: [i can't remember exactly but again referencing my intimidating persona]
--insert more silence. I start daydreaming about food...french toast to be exact
*me: god, i'd love to eat some french toast...
*him: (as we are all getting ready to leave) well lets go eat some now?
*me: (considering it was 2:30a) well honestly I'm exhausted but if you're serious you can take me out another time for breakfast?
*him: [silence]
*me: oookay well I guess that's a no
*him: I mean, yeah, that was basically a shut down
*me: [what the hell do I say to that? explain how you don't get it? roll my eyes, give you a tissue?]

*Ok look, if a man is truly interested in a woman, specifically me in this case, you wouldn't be mad that I said no to 2:30a breakfast but suggested hanging out another time- like during the day, or something resembling a REAL DATE? You'd look forward to getting to see me again and getting to know me etc But instead it sounds like you're just hoping I had enough vodka sodas that once you fed me, I'll invite you over? [insert buzzer noise] WWWRONG.

Lesson #3- Men- MAN UP FOR GOD SAKES. If you like a woman, ACT LIKE IT, TELL HER, CALL HER, TEXT HER, COMPLIMENT HER. As talented as woman are, mind-reading in not on the list.
Lesson #4: It's probably, almost for sure, a better use of time to study the GMAT that to study/understand men.
Lesson #5: Repeat #4 to self, multiple times per day.


Well that's all for tonight folks, goodnight.

Till next time,
xoxo

Insert clever sexual title....

Happy Tuesday!


I know you all probably missed me since I haven't posted in a few days. Well, I was feeling uninspired really…everything was seeming so normal, I didn’t see any crazy people on my bus, I didn’t get stuck in the elevator with the creepy man with the ponytail in my building. Honestly I was starting to get worried. BUT, thankfully I got re-connected with this sick, twisted, sad, unfair, beautiful and funny world and am feeling rejuvinated- Phew!  Mostly after reading a few fabulous posts from one of my favorite blogs, @thoughtcatalog, seeing mismatched couples at the airport and my re-discovery of the dating app "HowAboutWe".
Let me quickly review:


@thoughcatalog's blog post:
This specific post was about texting- and if someone says they will text or call you, and they don't--- BE DONE, no excuses!  The post referrenced some LAME excuses one might allow oneself to believe just to keep the guy/gal in the picture, at least in your head. I'll admit, I've said, "Oh well, they're just not 'texters' or I even referreced in a previous post, a guy's Nokia, old as dirt, cell phone. But quite frankly, it's 20-F*CKING-12, get with the program people, I don’t care if you don’t have an unlimited texting plan or not (am I not worth the 5 extra cents?), text me, call me, email me, hell-- just come over (my doorman has to call me to let you up anyways so I can always change my mind if I'm not into you).  If you're not doing that, you're not interested, and then neither am I. 
I decided to do a little research just to be safe, about the cell phone stuff. I mean, do THAT many people reallllly have cell phones? Do they reealllly have smartphones? 
The population of the United States right now is approx 311 million people. 
The number of mobile users in the United States is approx 327million people
40% of the population have smartphones
So GUESS WHAT?
YES they really do that smartphones...
therefore:
130.8 MILLION PEOPLE in the US, have A SMARTPHONE
2.7 MILLION live in Chicago, most likely with a SMARTPHONE..that has, aside from TEXTING capabilites, you can, CALL (::gasp::, I know it's sooo scary to call someone), EMAIL, TWEET, FB MSG etc. 


-The airport:
Me: Casually munching on a bag of raw veggies, a cheese stick and an apple
Couple next to me: Guy on computer, gf (which I later realize is his wife), eating a candy bar
Important call-outs:
Guy is very good looking, and very much in shape (this was later re-confirmed when they stood directly in front of me to board the plane)
Girl is…well…she isn't bad looking…I didn’t have to turn away, but she certainly was NOT in shape. .  Let's spare the mean descriptors and just take my word for it, okay?  This couple didn’t look like they worked together. 
---I AM CONFUSED. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? How does a couple get joined in HOLY MATRIMONY when they are clearly NOT on the same page.  Before you all get your panties in a bunch- I KNOW there are 1000 X 100000 more important things than looks in a relationship, looks fade and we are all going to be wrinkled and hunched over at some point. But initially, you have to be drawn together by some sort of physical force right? Well I was not feeling or seeing that force. But whatever, Mazel to them, I'm just confused. 


-HowAboutWe:
Just as I was worried my insane dating stories were going to come to a sharp halt bc my Match subscription was up, I was reminded that I once signed up for this FREE app called HowAboutWe.  The main idea is you create a profile, with some basic info and answer a few quirky questions. The last statement you fill in is "How about we______", and you write what you think would be a fun date. Then when people view your profile they can "Ask you on your Date" or say "I'm Intrigued".  I deleted the app from my phone but failed to deleted my profile. I clicked one of the 1000 email I get from that site and found I have 627 messages HAHAHAHA. Omg, I looked at some of the profile pics--- and let me tell you, create a free dating site and everyone with a pulse signs up.  Some look like straight up serial killers, others like they are maybe in high school, and there are quite a few guys wearing fedora hats, making a kissy face while holding what looks like a glass of scotch or other dark liquid--which is probably diet coke with ice. Ah, I cannot wait to browse through these emails and share this RIDIC info:) 


And finally, after revisiting my archive of dates and was reminded a not so normal experience to share with you all...

Creepy Carrot-top :

"Omg I live right near you, what floor do you live on and what direction do you face? I wonder if I can see your apartment from mine"?

-Need I say more?

-Ok yes, let me say one more thing. I wasn't aware of the creepiness of this man prior to our date. He seemed a little weird but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Aside from being a creep he was totally clueless...

ie-

"Beets, what are those? I've never heard of that"...

"Omg do you want to see this text from a girl that I went on a few dates with last week? She's so crazy, can you believe she said this [hands me his phone to read text message]
--WHO DOES THAT? Showing your DATE text msgs from another girl? 
--Apparently he thought it was a smooth move and tried to lean in for a smooch at the end of the night--HAHA Um Hell to the NO
** Also, after our date, I got some pretty ridiculous text messages. (I had told him about a few gyms I knew w bball courts bc he said that's what he was looking for)  He started sending me pictures of bball courts- saying "Omg look! I found the gym you mentioned, isnt this court great??"   "I love basketball"   "Im so excited you told me about this gym"  "Dont you think this bball court is sweet?" 
---ENOUGH ALREADY, go play some bball and leave me ALONE! Ahhh

***PS- Yes this guy has red hair....


That's all for tonight friends. Till next time:) xoxo

I like pansies, as in the flower...

      There are those times, I must admit, where one can fall shamelessly head over heels for someone.  In my personal experience it's been rare. It's happened to me twice, ever, in my entire 20 something years of  existence on this earth.  The first time was with my college boyfriend-- I won't go into detail here since you're looking for the "good stuff" or is it bad stuff?..hmm  well anyways, there was this second time more recently.  I sort of felt like I got shot with cupids arrow, which seems cute and all, right? You see all those illustrations on Hallmark cards with a small naked baby shooting love arrows. How come they don't have any cards showing what happens to you after you're shot- haha I'll fill you in-----you turn into a blubbering IDIOT, staring off into space with a DUMB GRIN, TWIRLING YOUR HAIR.  I am generally a happy person as it is, so really now everyone just thinks I'm on CRACK because I'm constantly smiling.  Also, I drink coffee, everyday, wanna know how much coffee I drank that week? Hmmmm??

NONE- I drank ZERO coffee all week, which for a normal person who is semi-addicted to caffiene, the affects should be detrimental.  Well they were, in some cases as I found myself thinking like a lunatic. I invisioned the monogrammed towels my mom would make for the bridal shower...yes I definitely wanted to go with the matching hand and bath towels, I was doodling my potential new initials, practicing my new signature for the school notes I'd write for our unborn children?!?!?!?

HOLY SHIT BALLS...OH MY GOD....I'M GOING INSANE!!!!!!

Ahh, well thankfully just as I thought my search for TRUE LOVE could end and that my world might explode into paper cut-outs of hearts and puppies, mother nature took a hot steamy DUMP on my seemingly romantic prospect.   I think it was in my best interests, thank you Mother Nature, I owe you one.  See below:) 

All woman fantasize about dating an international man of mystery right? Come on, they were born in a different country, they like strange foods and usually their pants are slightly tighter than most American men- I like butts okay? And OF COURSE the accent, really that's the key. Well, I only got as international as Canada but hey, I was gonna make it work.

I happen to fall head over heels for this schmuck very quickly. I was led to believe he was a gentleman, smart and had a lot of interests (to be fair the last 2 are true).  I was introduced to him through a mutual friend, it was already a good sign I figured. I mean, if she was good friends with him, he must be good dating material??

On my home turf he was spontaneous and easy going.

Dinner at home?-sure, whatever you make is great! 

An evening out?-sure, anywhere! 

A stroll through the city?-of course, I'd love to!

"Oh you're so candid and I love your attitude" he'd say, my independence and gumption was serving me well for once.

However, things didn't seem so dandy when I took a flight to Canada to visit him.

As not having been to Canada since I was little, I was excited to see the sites, learn some French maybe?? and definitely eat crepes.  Well, apparently, that was not an option.  Some of his responses to my suggestions:

--Sightseeing- "Ugh I only have on my loafers and there's so much snow, they'll get wet, we will just sight see from the car, just roll down the window to take the pictures"

[who wearing LOAFERS in the middle of WINTER???? oh and really, you're worried they'll get ruined? okay,diva.]

--The mall, after I spotted a sparkly kiosk with earrings- "We are going to this store, I told you I need a winter coat! Once we are done shopping for me, you can look at what you want!"

Him to our mutual friend about me: "I cant believe she told me I couldn't buy that coat bc it didnt look good on me, uh!"

[yeah! I saved you from looking like a damn fool?! ]

Dinner- "now is not the time to get up, don't you see that waiter behind you?"

[oh hey, i'm not your F*ING child for you to discipline]

--Hanging out- "We are going to watch hockey, period."

[wow, considering you know how much i don't prefer sports, great to know you care about hanging out with me at all]

---Discussion on lifting weights- "oh you like a man with pec muscles? well, maybe your into that, but I cant afford to have heavy chest muscles, it slows me down on the bike"

[SERIOUSLY?????You'd rather have flabby man boobs than lift some weights? Here's a hint genius: 

TRY PEDALING HARDER MF*ER]

[PS- since i've recently become obsessed with spinning, i am certain I can out spin and out lift this dude in a heartbeat]

Good god, do you really need to know more?  This man...ahem, excuse me, boy, was so self-centered and stubborn he really wasn't interested in dating anyone except himself....unless of course he could find some rag-doll girl to follow him around, doing whatever he said. Goodluck with that, douchetard. 

Well friends, all this love talk has gotten me a little queasy, gotta run.

Till next time:) xoxo

Don't you just hate a cock block?

   Today I'd like to discuss technology.  I love technology, I do. I'm OB-SESSED with my iPhone, social media outlets, my new macbook pro, oh and TEXTING.   ::Sigh::, however, I truly feel like texting is the cock-block of dating.  Texting is like your adorable FRIEND of the opposite sex that will flirt with you while you're trying to get a hot guy/girl's attention, or tell a totally inappropriate story about you to that hottie pay tattie and it's over.


   Texting really just screws everyone over because most people are not that good at communicating in the first place, now add vague, misspelled and un-punctuated texts and see what you get---NOTHING, you get nothing.  People, men and women hide behind their phones to say or not say, how they truly feel.  You don't get to see their facial expression when they type-
--"Yeah I had a great time too!"-- is this the "::eye roll:: um yeah that's never happening again" ??
--or "omg yes i totally had a great time, when do i get to see him/her again",
   And you won't know! You will wait for a smiley face, because maybe that means it's option #2, but if you see an ellipses...that means its #1.  GODDAMNIT just tell me if you like me or not- yes or no!!!
   Or after a few days of texting your prince charming seems polite, a gentleman, spells correctly, is timely with his responses and is "sooo excited to see you". But then you get a 2am text "heeeey girl, what are you doing"
-What am I DOING??? I'm F*ING SLEEPING you MORON. What? -Now that we have a date scheduled you think you can have a booty call first???
   Some people are just not texters,  they just don't respond or are really slow.  Maybe it's because they have a Nokia240 - aka the phone you get for free when you sign a contract (they should pay you to remove that from their stock room), or maybe it's because they don't know how to text, regardless, they usually text infrequently and are too concise for our (my? women's) overly analytical and critical minds.
(e.g)  See you there.
-- Omg there's a period at the end. He sounds pissed...uninterested? Does he really want to go on this date??
(e.g.) Goodnight
--really? that seems so formal and final, no winkey face? what about "Night!" or "G'night", "NightyNight:)" He's obviously unhappy. OMG we're never seeing each other again!:(
**I will leave you with a story of my most recent date, and the fact that you may find similarities in the story and the thoughts above is not a coincidence. ** 

Attack of the Snaggletooth :

This date began like any other, via some fun email communications.  This guy got some points for at least making me laugh and asking some interesting questions, so online things were going well.

We transitioned to texting and things seemed ok but maybe slightly strange…

Snaggle: Hey there, did you know a new jersey shore is on tonight?

Me: No, I don’t actually watch that awful show, I prefer the drama on Bravo

Snaggle: How many shows are there on tv about cakes? Where do you work? What did you eat for lunch? What’s your favorite Kanye song?

(OK, he didn’t ask them literally back to back like this, he gave me about 2 seconds to respond and then moved to the next question—A.D.D. anyone?)

At this point, I was a little perplexed about his grab bag of questions but I decided to go with it. We set up a date, time and place to meet for dinner a few days later.

I arrive at the restaurant, which was BYOB and he brought red and white wine- points for him. We sit down, and start chatting.  

**[the tables are pretty close together, so I'm positive the table next to us can hear our very 'first time we're meeting' conversation, which is why you practically, *inaudibly*, whisper "it's so great to meet you"::hahaha awkward smile..ha..ha]

Food ordered and he's at first very attentive at refilling my glass when needed. But at one point, the point at which he's drank about 3/4 of the red, by himself, he just hands me the bottle of white.  "Here, do you just want to do this?" 

**[i've drank about 2 glasses thus far, apparently once you're starting to get drunk, pouring for someone else is tiresome. or maybe he just didn't want to spill on me now that his dexterity or coordination is compromised, i go with the later to give him the benefit of the doubt]

We continue to talk and he mentions my teeth- "Wow you have great dental structure", thats nice of him!  So I take a look at his teeth...umm...well... that's when I saw it... the Snaggletooth. On the bottom row, sticking out to the side...like a tilting iceberg, that was just hit by the Titanic...or the Costa. 

[**Ommmmg now its awkward!!!!, I can't, in good faith, repay the compliment. I mean, i was scared that IF we ever were to kiss, my precious lips would be punctured..to the point of bleeding- not even Blistex could fix that.  I don't even know how i'd work around that thing.  For those of you who are not familiar with a snaggletooth, 1) say the word out loud, go ahead, do it...I'm waiting. Ok, wasn't that fun?:) 2) google Jewel, the singer. I love her, but she has a snaggletooth, maybe multiple.   It's only appropriate that she has a line in her song, "who will save your soul"...honey, with those teeth, I don't know who can.]

---Fast forward to the end of the date, we're outside saying our goodbyes, a hug, had a great time with you yadda yadda- and then he asks for a RATING?!?

Snaggle: So on a scale of 1 to 35, what did I rate on this date?

Me: Haaha [what???], I don't give ratings, it was great! okay, I'm gonna run but chat with you later

---In the cab:

Me: Thanks again for a nice night- dinner and the wine! 

Snaggle: Yeah I had a great time. So come on, what's my rating??

--SERIOUSLY? Dude, you're rating is quickly plummeting, who asks this?? I'm trying to ignore the fact that you drank an entire bottle of wine yourself, and got druuuunk, have an aunt who is a dentist yet still have a snaggletooth and you insist on being rated.!!!

I arrive home and start to get ready for bed and now I will share for you DIRECT TEXT QUOTES- this IS REAL PEOPLE: 
[about 1 hour after getting home]


Snaggle: So what are you doing?
Me: Just brushing my teeth, you? 
S: Hanging out with an out of town friend
S: What's your Friday bedtime
Me: Cool, um I don't have a set bedtime but today it's about now-ish
S: I was just fishing for an invite. But realize that's inappropriate
Me: Haha nice try and yes that's inappropriate
Me: I'm a lady! I'm off to sleep though, so chat later!
S: What if I told you I'm a really good kisser?
Me: Well then right now I'll have to take your word for it
S: Take it. It's true. 

WHAAAAAAAT? Dude, you just cock-blocked yourself so hard.  Any shred of hope is now certainly gone along with any rating that has a positive sign in front of it.  Maybe you and your snaggletooth can make out together since you're such a good kisser? 




Well that's all for tonight folks. Till next time:) xoxo

PS- Let me just say, I'm not a cold hearted biatch, I'm just telling the facts here--I could deal with the tooth, really I could. Eventually we would get it fixed... before we got serious and had any pictures taken together that might be posted on fb etc. But come on, all the other stuff...??

The morning after...

...the Golden Globes!

Happy Monday people!
I don't know about everyone else but today I woke up sore from sitting on my ass all evening drooling over the beautiful celebrities at the Golden Globes last night.  For the most part all the men and women looked gorgeous...except for Brad and Angelina, he looks like he hasn't showered or brushed his hair since last year and Angie looks like she hasn't eaten since last year--come on "power couple", get it together!!  But let me just say that George Clooney looked amaze-balls.

Speaking of getting it together, sometimes I'm in a state of shock when I notice people's appearance as they walk around this city...or really anywhere in public.  At least 2 or 3 people on my bus every morning look like they slept in their clothes and have just barely enough time to scrape the eye boogers away before their designated stop. I mean at least order yourself some pajama jeans to look half decent if this is such a challenge for you.  Additionally, there is a woman on my bus who has the BIGGEST MOLE right on the corner of her upper lip. Its about the size of a blueberry-- ok I know you thinking, well blueberries arent that big, but when you have one permanently stuck to your face it's a different story. I cannot stop staring at it when I see her, it's like I have to make sure it won't explode and eat her face.

Apparently I am not alone in my discoveries as one of the articles on CNN.com today was "The Co-Worker Makeover" and how to approach someone in the workplace that either 1)smells like BO 2) overdoes the cologne/perfume to the point of making others ill 3) dresses like a ho or jigalo... or just really grubby.  And the answer to these issues are basically you shouldn't say anything unless you're really close with them and can say it without being offensive or hurtful.  Regardless the outcome will not be good...they'll be offended and hurt.

Not surprisingly I've been on dates where the guys showed up in less than acceptable form.  I mean, what ever happened to "put your best foot forward" or "dress for the job you want" or "don't look like a disgusting slob on your date"?
Well ladies and gents, these guys didn't get the memo, read it and weep:

Blistex is only $1.99 I swear:

Tell me this- how does one not know when their lips are chapped so badly that they are CRACKING and BLEEDING? Do you really think if you show up to a date with cracked lips w dried blood I'm gonna be "feeling it"???? Oy, I think I applied my own chapstick constantly throughout the whole date. Poor guy. He was really nice and smart...I just couldn't get past those lips. And he smelled like moth balls, whats up w that?

I don't want no scrub:

Seemingly normal guy with some potential, we email a few times and become fb friends.

[*Note, almost all posted photos are of his dog. At first this seems cute, then excessive and then weird. Does he have a dog fetish? Does he have friends or just this dog?]

Date rolls around, he wants to "play it by ear" but does finally agree to a time. He gets 'tied up' and is 2 HOURS late to show up- some excuse about running errands and needing time to shower/get ready and drive into the city.

I meet him outside my building, SHOWERED? that would not exactly describe his condition. More like SCRUBBY [Enter Destiny's Child song]. He is wearing baggy jeans that look like they've been worn for 2 years without removal, and a brown hooded sweatshirt and vans.

Due to his "playing by ear" plan he's like "ummm so what do you want to do"?

Me, being the saavy city goer, suggest a stroll to the park

Him: "Uhhhhhhh is that like a really far walk? I'm just sooo tired"

Me: No it's about 15 min walk

Him: "ok fine, but can we go to 711 real quick, im soo thirsty" [he does buy me a vitamin water, he's only at -500 points now]

We get to the park and sit down to chat. Conversation was completely dull, but I did enjoy taking photos of the scenery w my iphone.

We get back to my building and he's like "well alright, I gotta go, I'm meeting my buddies at Theory for burgers, do you know how to get there from here"?

-REALLY? Yeah the bar is located between here and GO F YOURSELF! I'm an in between plan before your dudes arrive for boys night in the city? I straightened my hair for this date!

Well that's all for tonight folks.  Till next time xoxo

PS- I am so looking forward to experiencing Valentines Day this year as a single observer, with puke bucket in hand, I know this holiday will prompt some fabulous post ideas:)

Afternoon TV: The self-help guide you never wanted

Daytime TV--
if you've ever flipped through the channels recently at like 3 pm, all the shows are like self help books- what to eat, what not to eat, who to date, who not to date, what to wear, what not to wear. It's like listing to your Mother boss you around all afternoon, sheesshhh.

Anyways, while telling myself I didn't need any help from these "experts", I happen to catch a clip of a Dr Phil show labeled "Why am I Still Single"?-- I presumed it was a coincidence that I stubbled upon that specific episode.....yes definitely a coincidence. So they had 2 people on the show, one was a women who was recently lost 100lbs and was learning how to date and the other was an insecure bald guy.  As a test of confidence they had the woman walk around dressed as Marilyn Monroe talking to random men and blowing kisses and even doing that wind up the dress pose, in a mall, in the street etc---???WHY ARE YOU SINGLE? Because you just walked around like it was Halloween, being filmed on national tv looking like a total HOT MESS, that is why you're single darling.
Anyways that had a Q/A session at the end of the show and their "expert" mentioned -Never go out with competition. Soooo basically that means I can never go out with my single girlfriends?? Whaaa? Good bye plans for Friday night.... Let me tell you though, not all married or taken girls make good wing women. In order to be a good sidekick you need to know and do the following:

1) Know what your friend is looking for and help her find it- if she doesn't like jocks, don't make goggly eyes with John Smith so that you're both stuck discussing some mind numbing sport stats for 20 mins while sucking down 10 vodka sodas- unless he's paying, then who cares...okay just kidding, I buy my own drinks 95% of the time..but if he's buying champagne, then we can talk about anything- sports, cars, power tools etc.
2) Get some Dr Sholls in those heel and be prepared to do laps--  this is when you casually stroll around the bar to scope out options, with the choice to stop along the way if someone intriguing appears. (If no one, then leave. You'll burn more cals at the gym, i promise)
3) Be ready to talk. You have to say something to these men...ahhhem excuse me, boys-- preferably you have something cute or clever to point out about your girlfriend-
(e.g)
Friend to cute guy: "omg NO WAY my friend (she points to you, and you casually twirl your hair bc your obvi listening) totally went there last week, Nat- did you hear so and so went to that same place last week"?
Me: "Wow what a coincidence.." yadda yadda

Ok the point is, I certainly cannot go out alone, but somehow on every tv show or movie you see that girl, who is beautiful just sitting alone at the bar, not a care in the world that she's by herself. THIS IS NOT REAL PEOPLE.  Who does that?? I once waited at a bar- which had no stools or chairs while my date was 20mins late. Do you know how boring that was- just 20 mins was terrible? And I was drinking a margarita- bad move...well for this particular date that fact that my vision and hearing was a little fuzzy happen to be a good thing.  But seriously, the bartenders--not cute or entertaining, and my feet were getting sore. The marg was my only savior when I was tortured through a dinner conversation about Ultimate Frisbee- REEALLY?  Please let me count the ways I can kill myself with this tortilla chip while you indulge me.

Well friends, it's Friday so I hope before this weekend kicks off you've learned  how to be a decent wing woman (or wing man, I think a lot of the same principals apply to men) and that daytime tv is crap (except the Dr Oz show, he's pretty cool), I leave you with one date that I survived, this was quite some time ago, but still worth mentioning:

Attention: Objects may be heavier than they appear -

After multiple emails and phone conversations this guy and I agree to go on a date.  We meet at a near by restaurant, only for me to discover he is not the trim man i saw in his pictures-- those were from 10 years ago. Instead I got the umpa lumpa version.  --Btw, we parked very close to each other in the parking garage so it's that weird thing where you think its them but you're not sure...how do I get out of the car?? Do I pretend like I'm checking my phone or reaching into the back seat while he gets a head start to the restaurant? Do I hide? Do I get out? WHAT DO I DO????? Ugh I do the proper thing and get out of the car and greet him:: Big eyes, smile, eye brows lifted:: "Hiiiiii"! 

 Now don't get me wrong, I don't need a body builder with an amazing physique, but 40 lbs is quite a difference- esp when this guy was MAYBE 5'7". So, immediately any connection we had is now out the window as I feel that I was duped, and I'm not attracted to him...uuhhggghhhggh ::stomps feet:::- not actually right then and there. This only gets worse by the fact that he DEVOURS everything we order, like tomorrow is F*ing Armageddon-- "oh you're not going to eat that last piece there are you?", "Mmmm[chomp chomp, slurp slurp], this is so delicious"::licks fingers:: SICK. All the while I'm neatly eating my salad with grilled chicken, wishing my white wine was vodka on the rocks.

* Important note, he also lived with his parents. See TOR for Deal breakers.

Needless to say the date ended and I was left unharmed. But I'm pretty sure unless this guy has changed his pictures to accurately display his current um...physique and describe his love of anything on a dinner table, he's probably still single, because he's a liar and in denial. I wonder if Dr. Phil will do another "Why am I Single" show?... 

Till next time, TGIF xoxo

Let the circus begin!

Ok so I'm back with some awesome emails that I've received.  If you haven't guessed by now, yes, I've done ONLINE DATING ::GASSSSSSSSSSPP::.

To be honest, a few years ago I was one of those people who said
--"Omg, I will never online date, unless things get reeeeaallly desperate, it's just so weird, I should be able to meet people the 'regular' way".
 Well nowadays I think the stigma around online dating has started to dissipate and people just don't meet organically anymore.  Ok so now you may agree with me or you think I became really desperate...haha well meeting men in a bar really just wasn't working or productive and we do everything else online, so why not try it?

So I take the plunge, make a screen name -- the last time I had to think about the "coolness" of my screen name was back when AIM Messenger was just introduced-- except now you sort of want it to be cute and attractive?! Then you pay money- because, yes JLo, this love do cost a thing- it costs $100 for 6 months, honey.

Ok, next step-the profile. Setting up the profile is an annoying task itself, you have to answer all these questions and a lot of them are Yes or No or must choose 1 option of these 5, when really for some answers you want to add a footnote that says "well usually the answer to this question is usually, almost always no, but if your a musician, look like Matt Damon, have an accent etc, we can reconsider". But superficial things like that would NEVER sway me, psssh..hahha..ha.

Next is the paragraph to describe yourself. Seems easy but honestly- what do you say to "how would you describe yourself"? You can't be too safe- i.e.- just a nice girl, loves my family and friends, looking for mr right blah blah blah, because then you seem boring and probably too nice. You can't be cynical or too funny because maybe you'll sound angry, mean and like your not serious about life or dating.  UGH- so it has to be the perfect combo of sweet, nice, funny, eloquent.... So once you've written your paragraph and upload the most gorgeous pics of yourself, you're released into a cyber-world of....men, boys, man-boys (a term coined by a good friend of mine that you'll see used often), dudes, douches, jerks, meat heads, mid-life crisis men, oooold men who have white hair but their profile says their 32...and the list goes on-- oh and sometimes a normal, nice guy slips in there. But I know you're not reading this to know about the nice guys, please.

Well below are just a FEW of the emails that I've received.  I get it, okay- it can be awkward to write a note to a stranger. However, they just read my profile, chalk-full of information about ME--  reading comprehension and recall skills??  Unfortunately these gentleman had some issues- sometimes I wonder if they took an English class (cool is spelled with a 'c' not a 'k') or if their parents taught them any manners.  But mostly it makes me laugh...and feel really good about myself- that yes, I am a little bit more normal than I thought:

"Hey there, wow you are so beautiful, I didn't realize jewish woman could be so beautiful".

-EXCUSE ME? you didnt know jewish woman COULD be beautiful? Generally back handed compliments do not go over well.

-I won't even go into the irony of this email considering the miniature troll in the profile picture...

"hey, wassss up?" or "yo"

- Did you really just spend all that time writing me those three words??

"In my mind we met, got married, and got divorced. I'll keep the house on (insert some island ive never heard of) and you can keep the house on (insert another island I've never heard of)

Love, your ex-husband"

-WHAT?

"Hi my name is ___,

I read your profile and you seem so pretty and really nice.

[Insert 4-5 paragraphs about his interests, family, dog, what he ate for breakfast lunch and dinner, the movie that he saw last night and the sci fi novel he's reading].

Hope to hear from you"

-Now take this email in slightly altered versions,from this same person --it gets sent to me about once every 2 months

-I have books on my e-reader if I want to enjoy a novel, thanks.

"Hey! My name is SoandSo,

You're really pretty but honestly I don't think we have that much in common and we might not be a match- but the truth is this isnt actually my profile, I made it for my buddy because he's too shy to do this himself so these are all his stats. Do you think you'd like him?  If you do maybe I can hook you guys up and then if you have a friend for me, you can hook me up- i like blondes usually. Also, I'm a photographer so if you just want to be business contacts that would be great too!? "

-Ummm SERIOUSLY? What guy makes a profile for his other guy friend-- he's gonna be pissed when he finds out! And since when do you use a dating site for networking? wow...

Well folks, that's all for now. Tune in next time for some juicy info on some dates that I did go on, those were fun...ha

xoxo