if you've ever flipped through the channels recently at like 3 pm, all the shows are like self help books- what to eat, what not to eat, who to date, who not to date, what to wear, what not to wear. It's like listing to your Mother boss you around all afternoon, sheesshhh.
Anyways, while telling myself I didn't need any help from these "experts", I happen to catch a clip of a Dr Phil show labeled "Why am I Still Single"?-- I presumed it was a coincidence that I stubbled upon that specific episode.....yes definitely a coincidence. So they had 2 people on the show, one was a women who was recently lost 100lbs and was learning how to date and the other was an insecure bald guy. As a test of confidence they had the woman walk around dressed as Marilyn Monroe talking to random men and blowing kisses and even doing that wind up the dress pose, in a mall, in the street etc---???WHY ARE YOU SINGLE? Because you just walked around like it was Halloween, being filmed on national tv looking like a total HOT MESS, that is why you're single darling.
Anyways that had a Q/A session at the end of the show and their "expert" mentioned -Never go out with competition. Soooo basically that means I can never go out with my single girlfriends?? Whaaa? Good bye plans for Friday night.... Let me tell you though, not all married or taken girls make good wing women. In order to be a good sidekick you need to know and do the following:
1) Know what your friend is looking for and help her find it- if she doesn't like jocks, don't make goggly eyes with John Smith so that you're both stuck discussing some mind numbing sport stats for 20 mins while sucking down 10 vodka sodas- unless he's paying, then who cares...okay just kidding, I buy my own drinks 95% of the time..but if he's buying champagne, then we can talk about anything- sports, cars, power tools etc.
2) Get some Dr Sholls in those heel and be prepared to do laps-- this is when you casually stroll around the bar to scope out options, with the choice to stop along the way if someone intriguing appears. (If no one, then leave. You'll burn more cals at the gym, i promise)
3) Be ready to talk. You have to say something to these men...ahhhem excuse me, boys-- preferably you have something cute or clever to point out about your girlfriend-
(e.g)
Friend to cute guy: "omg NO WAY my friend (she points to you, and you casually twirl your hair bc your obvi listening) totally went there last week, Nat- did you hear so and so went to that same place last week"?
Me: "Wow what a coincidence.." yadda yadda
Ok the point is, I certainly cannot go out alone, but somehow on every tv show or movie you see that girl, who is beautiful just sitting alone at the bar, not a care in the world that she's by herself. THIS IS NOT REAL PEOPLE. Who does that?? I once waited at a bar- which had no stools or chairs while my date was 20mins late. Do you know how boring that was- just 20 mins was terrible? And I was drinking a margarita- bad move...well for this particular date that fact that my vision and hearing was a little fuzzy happen to be a good thing. But seriously, the bartenders--not cute or entertaining, and my feet were getting sore. The marg was my only savior when I was tortured through a dinner conversation about Ultimate Frisbee- REEALLY? Please let me count the ways I can kill myself with this tortilla chip while you indulge me.
Well friends, it's Friday so I hope before this weekend kicks off you've learned how to be a decent wing woman (or wing man, I think a lot of the same principals apply to men) and that daytime tv is crap (except the Dr Oz show, he's pretty cool), I leave you with one date that I survived, this was quite some time ago, but still worth mentioning:
Attention: Objects may be heavier than they appear -
After multiple emails and phone conversations this guy and I agree to go on a date. We meet at a near by restaurant, only for me to discover he is not the trim man i saw in his pictures-- those were from 10 years ago. Instead I got the umpa lumpa version. --Btw, we parked very close to each other in the parking garage so it's that weird thing where you think its them but you're not sure...how do I get out of the car?? Do I pretend like I'm checking my phone or reaching into the back seat while he gets a head start to the restaurant? Do I hide? Do I get out? WHAT DO I DO????? Ugh I do the proper thing and get out of the car and greet him:: Big eyes, smile, eye brows lifted:: "Hiiiiii"!
Now don't get me wrong, I don't need a body builder with an amazing physique, but 40 lbs is quite a difference- esp when this guy was MAYBE 5'7". So, immediately any connection we had is now out the window as I feel that I was duped, and I'm not attracted to him...uuhhggghhhggh ::stomps feet:::- not actually right then and there. This only gets worse by the fact that he DEVOURS everything we order, like tomorrow is F*ing Armageddon-- "oh you're not going to eat that last piece there are you?", "Mmmm[chomp chomp, slurp slurp], this is so delicious"::licks fingers:: SICK. All the while I'm neatly eating my salad with grilled chicken, wishing my white wine was vodka on the rocks.
* Important note, he also lived with his parents. See TOR for Deal breakers.
Needless to say the date ended and I was left unharmed. But I'm pretty sure unless this guy has changed his pictures to accurately display his current um...physique and describe his love of anything on a dinner table, he's probably still single, because he's a liar and in denial. I wonder if Dr. Phil will do another "Why am I Single" show?... Till next time, TGIF xoxo
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